Tools for Life

Just as there are various types of fuel for various types of vehicles, it is the same with intimacy and the style/type that each person relates to. And likewise if you put diesel in an unleaded car it won't work, relating with a person in the wrong way (for them) will not be effective in terms of love and intimacy and communication. I have updated the Sai-K "5 Intimacy Styles" for 2008, following is a brief snippet of them for your reflection.

If you would like a copy of the full 2008 Intimacy Styles, email us back a request and we'll send it out to you as a pdf. Those coming to the next Tools for Life workshops/programs are in for a real treat.

With much love from Pete and the Sai-K Team.

To say that you were an Acts of Service type person you would often find yourself doing things for people and really enjoying it. You may love to stop and help those who are lost or their car has broken down; you may go the shops for friends; you will love to wash, clean, cook, prepare meals etc, you probably tidy up a lot or you may rather do those big jobs like help a friend paint or build a shed etc. When you go to friends places you like to be made useful and do something with your hands to help out.

How do you rate yourself as an Acts of Service person? At one end of the scale you will often do all and more of the above. At the other end you expect and demand these roles of others and are an acts of service user and taker without realising how many acts of service roles there are in life and in relationships.

To say that you’re a Quality Time person you would do things like remember and recount the good/intimate times, you would love to focus on experiences together and love peoples smiles. You would initiate and creatively come up with ideas and things to do as well as jump on love experience and adventure opportunities. You may not love big parties and social gatherings but you will love intimate and close family and friend occasions.

You will know people via their ‘specialness’ or unique qualities and add value to peoples lives in many ways. Sexual intimacy with quality timers is based on mutual feelings of feeling and fondness, they love to love and express in a quality way so are quite sensitive emotionally and will be always eager to please.

So how do you rate yourself as a quality time person? At one end of the scale, everyone loves you around because you add value and brighten their day, in fact you are an inspiration to others in many ways. At the other end you have no imagination, taste or creative flare, you’re boring and repetitive and wait for others to be your inspiration. You will be co-dependent, depressed and a drain on others and often be pessimistic, negative and overly picky or critical. You don’t know when enough is enough or when to leave and you have no compassion or idea what others like or dislike, nor will you care. You want everyone else to be interesting, intimate and nurturing to you but you don’t know how to give.

If you are a Physical Touch person you will love to touch and feel people and things, you will sit close to people and you will use touch as part of your communication. You will love to snuggle in bed and give little massages, you love to hold hands and hug people. you nudge, push and prod people to cheer others up and you love little romps and wrestles especially with kids and pets. In relationships you love kissing and smooching and will be open sexually. When others are tight or in pain they jump to give a quick fix massage. When others are upset they hug and touch to give assurance and nurturing.

Those on the far end of the scale will be closed off and hold back physically and sexually and may be caught in fantasy sex more than tender loving and feeling sex. They tend to be hard and harsh rather than soft caring and passionate. They will have body image issues other hang-ups often from physical and sexual abuse. They have their own chair rather than the lounge, they often sit with crossed arms and legs in a defensive manner.

If you are a Words person then you will obviously like to talk and be quite good with your words. You are sensitive to others and what you say and how that impacts others. You will know what to say and how to say just the right thing to open people up and make them feel good. you are compassionate and will inspire people to express as well as you do. You will give plenty of; words of appreciation; words of acknowledgement; words that say "I notice..."; words to make people feel special and valued; words that keep a bond and connection going; words of fondness and love; words of gratitude; words to validate; words of acceptance; words of support; words of protection; words of trust; words of wisdom; words of loyalty; words to laugh; words of assurance; happy and positive words; light and playful words. You will be open minded in conversations and have the ability to make them flow.

If you’re on the other end of the scale you either won’t shut up, drone on and repeat yourself often or you shut down and no-one can get a peep out of you. You may extract information and just ask questions all the time rather than express about yourself. You won’t know what to say and get tongue tied or stuck. You may be verbally aggressive, harsh, sharp, intolerant and short. You dump on others and may dominate conversations. your scared of sounding stupid so you become paranoid and over sensitive. You bottle things up and wait until you explode to say anything. You talk over, cut off and shut others down then project that they are no good at expression or communication.

If you are a Gifts person then you love to either shop or creatively make things for other people. You’re constantly on the look out or get spontaneously inspired to buy or make things that you think others will like. You are a thoughtful, caring, generous and giving person who also loves celebrations like parties of all kinds. The joy of giving and receiving gifts coupled with the tangible ability to fondly remember someone is how you build and sustain connections with people. If you are on the other end of the scale then you are insecure and afraid of rejection or celebration type attention. You fear putting your heart on your sleeve and expressing your love and fondness in fear of emotional hurts or criticism. you probably feel and fear feeling stupid. You are so caught up in your own feelings or blocked and suppressed feelings and hurts of the past that you cannot focus on another’s joy of receiving and feeling loved by you. You find it hard to receive.